Am I qualified for the job?
I was talking to a relative who is also a pastor’s wife and she said she felt unqualified. She wasn’t speaking of the role of a wife but the role of Worship team leader, Sunday School teacher, and more. She, like I has struggled with feeling mediocre in many areas and not excelling at any one particular thing. I replied that it was clear that she was called to be a pastor’s wife
As pastors’ wives, we are often the gap filler. We come to a new church and they need a Sunday School teacher so we become a Sunday School teacher. At a different time or in a different church, they need a worship team leader and we take on that leadership role. Flexibility is our middle name. We have many different gifts even if we don’t excel at them all. Despite our weaknesses, God chooses to use what we can do when and where it is needed.
A growing idea
When I was young my dream was to become a pastor’s wife. I loved the idea of working in the church creating with and for the Creator. The funny thing is that when I look back at my daydreams of what I wanted for my future, I saw my role and ministry, but never the pastor himself. The role of my husband changed faces many times as I grew, but my role remained the same. The husband came after the call.
My husband the businessman
The man I married turned out to be a businessman and not a pastor. I never did go to a Christian college and get my MRS. degree. I found my husband while traveling with an international Christian drama ministry. After he left the troupe, he went to work in his family’s business. But by that time, I was already hooked.
A dream come true
Towards the end of my 5-year stint with the traveling drama ministry, I had a dream. It felt like God was trying to tell me something but I didn’t understand. I had the dream while we were at a Pentecostal church so I asked if they had anyone who could interpret dreams. They did. I shared my dream with the man and without knowing anything about me, his interpretation felt authentic.
I was amazed at how God showed him parts of my past, present, and future. Don’t I sound like Scrooge in ‘A Christmas Story’? Anyway, I’ll skip parts that aren’t relevant and get down to the nitty-gritty.
In my dream, I came upon three hinders in escalating sizes. The first two I was able to manage but the last left me as if dead on the ground. I lay there with a smile on my face and a light that shown on me. Neither the man nor I understood this. He thought it meant I would die but he didn’t think that felt right either.
I’ve thought of that dream every time I’ve met a hinder, wondering “Am I going to fall and die this time?” I won’t share the gory details with you here but I think I’ve landed and have that smile and light on me now.
You can only burn out if you were once on fire
In November 2018 I lost my voice and didn’t get it back for six months. The doctor said it was a virus as he had treated many with the same symptoms that fall/winter. Despite the hindrance of illness, I kept working at my secretarial job. But not being able to answer the phone or help in the reception made it a burden. The only part of my responsibility I could do was the part I enjoyed least, financials.
All I did those six months was work, go home and rest, work, go home and rest, and repeat. I had to stop doing all the duties I loved in the church. Teaching Sunday School was out. Leading the liturgy as a deaconess was impossible. I couldn’t chair the church board meetings. Without a voice, I had no choice but to let it all go and I felt broken. I had burned out.
You crash and burn when you do the wrong thing
You need to concentrate on your talent and calling to stay healthy. I am the product of a hard-working father and a dedicated mother. You do what you have to do to make it work, period. Even if you don’t enjoy it. Even if you think it might just kill you. Okay, so I exaggerate a little.
Dependable, hard-working, and loyal, that’s me. That’s probably you too. We can be all those things and not burn out, but only if we are doing the things God called us to do when He calls us to do them.
I don’t mean that I should never have worked with reception and financials in my husband’s family business or at the Christian Camp and Conference center. No, I learned a lot at those jobs and made friends and for the most part, enjoyed my time there. The problem was that I didn’t know when to quit. It seems God had to allow some kind of crisis in my life to get me to stop or move on to the next right thing. Thank God I crashed and burned! Look where I am headed now!
Finally, a pastor’s wife after 25 years
My husband received The Call after we were married 25 years. You might think I nagged him into becoming a pastor, but that is not the case. I soon realized that my desire to be a pastor’s wife was grounded in what I saw as the role she played in the church and her husband’s life. What I did, since my husband wasn’t a pastor, was to find other ways to do the things I wanted to do for God. Eventually, I became a deaconess in our church (2011). It was several years later that my husband became a pastor (2015) after four years of study.
I can’t say my life changed overnight by becoming a pastor’s wife, but I have noticed a change.
PW syndrome
Most people have heard of PK syndrome. Well, there is something to be said about PW syndrome. I’ve always worked part-time outside of the home and church for income. My church work has been done on a volunteer basis. As I grew older, (I was born in 1965) my energy level grew weaker. Odd… Also, I never totally recovered from the aftermath of burnout. Now suddenly, things that I would normally get involved in at church became too much in addition to my job. And my husband who had worked full time before outside the home suddenly had all this time to do in and for the church what he hadn’t done before. Our roles switched.
As a result, I became more isolated from my church family, and my husband more connected. It felt like my old church friends took a step back. I have a wonderful church family though so it is hard to decide who moved back, them or me. It started to change when I became a deaconess and changed even more when I became a pastor’s wife.
Respect or fear for the pastor's wife?
Now, Sweden doesn’t have a hierarchal society but rather a flat one. Everyone is on the same level, whether they be bank directors or custodians. I saw a sketch with Sweden's (now former) Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt on TV where this was demonstrated. Check out this link if you want to watch it!
My church members do look up to and respect the leaders though. Maybe the problem is that everyone knows with the extra duties a leader holds, the less extra time they have. People don’t want to interfere with the leader’s free time. I have found that many pastors’ couples are rather lonely, thus the PW syndrome.
The pastor’s wife, a balancing artist
Balance is the key. Do what you are called to do. Whether that is "only" supporting your husband and not getting involved too deeply in church activities or working alongside your husband as a teammate delving into the nitty gritty of the church work. Some pastors’ wives are called to work outside the church and be ordinary wives and church members.
I wrote this post when I started my public writing journey in 2019. Now that I have three self-published books with the fourth in the works my ‘hobby’ has become yet another job to balance with the rest of my duties.
I have also taken on two paid jobs so I could leave the secretarial work I’d done for almost 30 years. I work part-time as a personal health care assistant and also as a dog sitter. I love both jobs, getting to interact with people and animals, and know I am providing a well-needed service.
Some days I want to lie down and give up. There is too much to do and so much pressure (from myself mostly) to get it all done. On other days, the sun is shining and I feel inspired and blessed to work on creative projects as well as with God’s creatures.
Through it all, my Father reminds me to follow Him and learn what His will is. When I turn and go my own way, or forget to take His will into account and concentrate on doing instead of living, His Spirit comes with gentle (sometimes not so gentle) reminders to get back on track. To live in love and love to live, not only to achieve.
Feeling blessed
Are you called to be a pastor’s wife? Well, if you are married to a pastor, I would say yes. But defining your role as a pastor’s wife can be very different from person to person. Find your calling and balance and you will be blessed and be strong enough to bless others.
Comments